ivan burit
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A joke for the ladies..I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favorite lolly and M&Ms .
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.
- - - - - - -
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
- - - - - - -
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed "I meant my dress size, you twat!"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
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Nikadi
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XD
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Lin
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Ways for a man to impress a woman
Cuddle her
Caress her
Tell her she is beautiful
Protect her
Embrace her
Shower her with gifts
Compliment her
Tease her
Wine and dine her
Listen to her
Stand by her
Support her
Hug her
Love her
Buy things for her
Care for her
Go to the ends of the earth for her
Ways for a woman to impress a man
Show up naked
Bring Beer
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ivan burit
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Ways for a woman to impress a man
Show up naked
Bring Beer
YEP, that`ll do it............lol......
my nearest and most expensive always did say i was cheap............XX
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Vicar
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No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no etc
Ivan, close your eyes for a moment and visualise Dot Cotton in this situation. If that was less efective than a cold shower, may I suggest the late Margaret Rutherford with a twinkle in her eye She would be drinking the beer alone.
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ivan burit
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vicar, every time i shut my eyes, i think of Miss rutherford, in tweeds, stout walking shoes, a stick and an barrel over in the corner, full of empty Russian black stout beer bottles................
passh the next wun pleeeesh.......
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Vicar
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| ivan burit wrote: | vicar, every time i shut my eyes, i think of Miss rutherford, in tweeds, stout walking shoes, a stick and an barrel over in the corner, full of empty Russian black stout beer bottles................
passh the next wun pleeeesh....... |
Well at least that's better than "over a barrel in the corner".
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amenity
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I am shocked Vicar, that you of all people are so carnal, surely there is more to a woman than her appearance?  
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pepsi
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This is one of my favourite jokes
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his
cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows motionless like
statues.
It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this
would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet?
How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his
impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?"
asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub a cow's nose.
After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.
One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman
what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
You know who that was dont you? asked the passer-by.
No; said the farmer
That was Thora Hird.........................
No offence is intended towards anyone's religion or beliefs with this Joke 
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Lin
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Very good Pepsi
One for the Vicar
In the beginning God created the earth and rested
Then God created man and rested
Then God created woman
Since then,neither God nor man has rested
And one for the chaps
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo
She was wearing a loose fitting pink dress,sleeveless ,with straps
He was wearing his usual jeans and T shirt
As they walked through the Ape exhibit
They passed a huge, silverback gorilla,
Noticing the wife ,the gorilla went crazy,
He jumped on the bars,and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand ,
He was obviously excited at the lady with the pink dress,
The husband ,noticing the excitement ,thought this was funny ,
He suggested that the wife tease the gorilla some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.She played along and the gorilla got even more excited ,making noises that would wake the dead .
The husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did and the gorilla was about to tear the bars of his cage down.
"Now ,show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him" he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife,ripped open the door of the cage ,flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the door of the cage shut.
"Now tell HIM you have a headache"
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amenity
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Linn said;
""Now tell HIM you have a headache"
Wow!
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Vicar
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My turn, my turn.
Things have been fairly bad at home lately. My wife says I'm spending too much time on football and fishing and stuff like that. So the other night I booked a table for two at eight o'clock.
By nine o'clock things were 100 times worse. She hadn't managed to pot one single #@**^~^ red.
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Lin
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A wife was making breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly the husband burst into the kitchen
"Careful" he said "CAREFUL ! .Put in some more butter ! . Oh my God ! .You're putting too many eggs in at once .Too Many ! Turn them ,Turn them ,TURN THEM NOW !!.
We need more butter ,Oh My GOD !Where are we going to get more butter? .
They are going to STICK !! Careful ,CAREFUL!! ,I SAID BE CAREFUL ! .
You never listen to me when you are cooking ,NEVER !.
Turn them ,Hurry up ...are YOU CRAZY ??.
Have you lost your mind ?.
Don't forget to salt them , you know YOU always forget to salt them.Use the salt ,USE THE SALT ,THE SALT !!!.
The wife stared at him ."What in the world is wrong with you ? .You think I don't know how to fry a few eggs ?".
The husband casually replied "I just wanted to show youwhat it feels like when I am driving".
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mojo
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a £10 note flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are £10 notes falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '£10 or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!"
By the way, what's in the other bag?"
Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay"
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Vicar
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A little old lady, possibly the one mentioned above was in the bank paying in £237.80 in ten pence pieces.
The cashier smled at her and said, "You've been hoarding haven't you?"
The sweet old lady said, "Well, yes, but my sister hoard half of it.
I'll get my cassock.
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Vicar
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| amenity wrote: | | I am shocked Vicar, that you of all people are so carnal, surely there is more to a woman than her appearance? |
In a politically correct world I would have to agree. I am well aware of the saying that, "Beauty is only skin-deep."
However in my experience ugly goes all the way down to the marrow of the bones.
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Lin
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OK Not a joke ,but something for all the ladies of a 'certain age' who like the magic box too much.It was sent to me by my 12 year old Grandaughter.
The Computer Swallowed Grandma
The computer swallowed Grandma
Yes ,honestly it's true !
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely ,
The thought just makes me squirm ,
She must have caught a virus
Or been swallowed by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind ,
I've even used the internet
But nothing could I find.
In desperation ,I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine ,
The reply from him was negative ,
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So ,if inside your 'Inbox',
My Grandma you should see ,
Please 'copy' 'paste' and 'scan' her
And send her back to me.
This is a tribute to all the Grandmas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer.
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Nikadi
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I am sending that to my Nan XD
My friends find it amazing that she knows how to use a PC, it's quite funny :p
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amenity
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When my pal turned 68 he began to exhibit absent minded tendencies, you know thge sort of thing forgetting my name, odd shoes, buttons awry, looking very cheerful even though Tony Blair was still on the throne.
So I willfully introduced him to the computer.
I paid heavily in loss of sleep, phone calls day and night, "tell me again, how do you turn it on" and "I'm at my wits end I'm going to end it all" and "it won't do a thing I tell it I'm going mad". Quite frequently this ex school teacher was actually in tears.
Anyway the best bit is he stopped forgetting my name and is still as quick witted as ever he was as a schoolteacher.
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