Clacton - A tourist's view

Vicar · Clacton - A tourist's view

Chris Haslam is driving a campervan around the British coast and recording his experiences in the Times.
Here's what he wrote about Clacton. I found it particularly amusing as the first thing I noted there was that pedestrians just walk straight out onto the road either safe in the knowledge that it is ilegal for drivers to mow them down, or unaware that it could be quite painful.

"Then, in Clacton-on-Sea, an old lady walked in front of the van without warning. Shaken, I pulled over, and stepped onto the neglected stretch of coast known as God’s waiting room. Graffiti soils the walls, the grand hotels have become retirement homes, and for most of those loitering in the litter-strewn streets, the only way out of here is in a box.

A brown tide had covered the beach, and families were gravitating, zombie-like, to the pier. I followed, avoiding the plaintive eyes of an underworked fortune-teller – nonagenarians can pretty much guess their future – and took a seat in the Jolly Roger cafe.

“It’s a bit grim here,” I said to the waitress as she brought my tea. She rolled her eyes. “It’s Clacton,” she sighed. Then it started to rain, and suddenly I knew why that old lady had jumped in front of the van."

ivan burit

Well there you go vicar.

Mr Haslam drives a campervan, that it explains it all really.

He should do this megga road trip on a motor scooter to get the feel for places,
its only then he will get a warm welcome, or the bums rush kiss off.

Its great fun to go adventuring in a home from home, but that is what you get,
a home from home.

Doing a 60`s mod style holidaying/ camping in a p*xy little tent overnight, will soon sort the chaff (not chav ) from the wheat...(well it would do, but some little bored holiday school children burnt it all down).

Funny enough, opposite the ex wheat field in Jaywick lane, overnight stops one blokey in his mahhooosive camper, his overnight stops have been the bus stop, the entrance to the seweridge pumping station road, Marine Parade West, or anywhere he can park for free untill moved on.

now if said freeloader paid for his overnight stays in his home from home
(has he actually got a home to start with, no i doubt it) his slant on anywhere may and will be different to my or yours, or may be even like that of said Mr Haslams, as he gets moved on..

SO, Mr Haslam, try and be like our resident artist / sculptor who is from Firstsite-Newsite / VAF Colchester, while in her "getting the feel for Jaywick" period, live under the stars, actually TALK to people rather than talk down to them.

Get the vibe for Clacton, then come back and tell us you cant park in town centre (well not in a mahhoooosive great campervan,
tell us that infact although a waste of money, our fountains are wonderfully calming to look at (when they work) more so if your swetting your n*ts off walking round (or being dragged round) town centre shopping with the boss (i`ll just sit here for a while love and wait for a minuet).

It would be better to come back in say a year Mr Haslam, as our Town Centre inspirasionalists have agreed to sit and have a rethink on just what our much vaulted (well the victorian toilets were below ground level) should have been, instead of what actully is.
my little third eye tells me "change is on the way again" again - again....

Over the past few days our brownish waters of the North Sea never have been SO Blue.
When the sun shines, the sea glimmers, we take for granted just How nice dear old Clacton can really be.
come back in the middle of winter and it WILL be different, as Clacton is neither the South of France, or in the middle of the Costas, or in the much depressed coastal states of the USA like Florida.
My neighbour has property in Florida, and quoted "my american investments are now worth almost bugg*r all"

my neighbour speaks her mind out L O U D....

Were British through and through, come what may, even if the pub on the pier has a Polish night on a Sunday of all days (dont poles go to church vicar ? )

Stand upright with chests out proud (plenty of them from visiting lady chavs)
a stiff uper lip (lip vicar) and look Mr Haslam straight in the eye and say..

CLACTON, its all we have got, but its ours.....

now bugg*r off in your antisocial road hogging air conditioned, central heated home from home and leave us be (even though you fridge does have a supply of cold budweiser..........

Thankyou ever so nicely........

(hope the man in a van in jaywick lane`s not from the Irish travelling community ?)

Lin

Sorry Ivan ,but I tend to agree with Mr Haslam on this one.
I have a lot of friends who moved out of the area in the eighties and ,upon their return ,they cannot believe how far down the pan Clacton has gone.
Think about it .If you came here on holiday with a couple of children ,say pre-teens ,you have spent good money on accomodation(has to be a caravan as all the hotels have been converted into residential homes) and you have a few bob to spend ,apart from the pier and a usually rainy beach with assorted lifeguards preening in front of pre-pubescent girls and local drunks doing whatever it is they fill their dole paid for days with ,what is there ?.

So ,you decide to go and grab something to eat ,served up by disillusioned spotty yoofs without a please or thank you ,usually stone cold food that was never cooked properly in the first place .A nice cuppa ? probably the only sight of a tea bag it's seen is something akin to the Dambusters bouncing bombs as it looks like the tea bag has only skimmed the boiling (tepid)water.

Then you go for a stroll around the shops /charity shops/second hand stores and bargain basement stores (delete as necessary).Decide that you want to have a look in Woolies Sauna (no air con there,but you know you will at least be a stone lighter after fighting your way through the store).Fight your way through the OAP's and their assorted armoured scooters/bored husbands tagging along as they have been nagged into it so they are going to be as damn awkward as possible /shopping trollies with spikes in the wheels with assorted small ,toothless dogs hanging out having a sniff at the food counter.

Pick your way through the detrius that last nights drinkers /loiterers/boy racers/hoodies have left behind.Mind you,wasn't it nice of the council to provide us with lovely white(?) paving slabs to highlight the litter so as not to trip on it and make a claim.

Navigate your way round the 'pavement caffs' (a la continental style...I don't think so) where the fag enders accumulate with assorted stinky kids screaming as their parents ignore them.Unless it's to drop a recently soiled nappy on the floor about 3 foot from the nearest bin.Half eaten sausage rolls scattered all around for the flying rats to grab when no-ones looking

Look for a loo ....try McDonalds as they at least keep them reasonably clean with no drunks hanging round at the cubicle doors (unlike TDC's ones).
Then what else is there?.
Answer....Nothing.
When I have family down and they ask where is the best place to go with the kids ,I always suggest they take them boating at Dedham.

ivan burit

You may well be right Lin, but,
the trouble is, how many visitor friendly events do you see advertised.
we tried for a gazette advert to publicise out Jaywick Summer Fayre.
for a fag box size one it was about £300.
so i put it in the whats on section for free.
shame its on the same day as town centre music thingy.
On the news today (and i read about it some time ago, Redruth in Cornwall has so much trouble with its yoof, they all have been cerfewed at night, with parents fined for allowing them out......nice.....

Our Clacton does not have as much to do as other resorts, but who is to blame ?.
A indoor sports centre that cannot make its mind up on who to cater for, or just how to charge what or when.

The Princes Theatre, the Westcliffe Theatre have evenings and some afternoon shows (i believe)
Our seafront IS slowly becoming like a real holiday destination with its outside seated areas to drink / eat or dare i say it (smoke)
A much forgotten eatery is Charlie Chans upstairs over the amusements in Pier Ave............so cheap to eat out....quite nice too..
A free airshow for 2 days cost a mint to put on, but weather permitting, its brillient.
Classic car and vehicle events are not for everybody, but quite a lot are put on during the finest summer months.
In April, we hosted the annual Clacton scooter ride out, well over 250 scoots turned up, spoke of just how great a venue we had for them at our Beach Diner & bar.
If you live in Streatham, Barking, Ipswich or Tower Hamlets, or where ever, belive me Clactons ride out venue is almost unbeatable..

Vicar

(Holding both arms updefensively to protect his face and head).

Blimey. I only posted it 'cos I thought it was funny.

Lin, you should apply for a job at the Tourist Information Board. You can certainly see through the veneer of rubbish to the real rubbish underneath.
On the subject of campervans we have three who have taken up residence on the seafront at Holland. One has been there for three weeks, the others park on the front all day and then move into the side roads at night.
I don't think there is any byelaw to stop them. The worrrying thing is that if they can do it legally so can every traveller in the country.

ivan burit

Put them arms down vicar, your sweat patches are on show.
right then..
"I don't think there is any byelaw to stop them. The worrrying thing is that if they can do it legally so can every traveller in the country."
As i can do with a holiday, a change a scenery, i drag out my old "shed" a 1990`s brown and white caravan, chuck out the wifes "i need that for a boot sale" items she has been hoarding inside, and afix it to the rear of my scooter and head on down to sunny old Holland.

To me, the mental (dont even go there vicar) picture of poor old Holland with its sand depleated beaches, and midnight miranderings of its nomadic tribesmen paints a somewhat distorted picture of your touristy outlets in fine old Holland,
on sea of course.
Your offroad parking bays were once the haunt of Clactons most chavist of chavs in there most bling`ist of bling motor cars, but it too seems to have been moved on...(just like the sand from your beaches)

In one respect, that very thing that was the blight of resdential Holland - on - sea, town centre Clacton, even Walton on the nose, is never a problem for down trodden Brooklands and Grasslands, its reasoning being, chaved up bling machines have to be a regulation 2 inches (50 mm for you younger listeners) of the road surface, and so being unable to tackle the mountainous pot holes that have taken passports and are residing in them roads that radiate the old car names that make up Brooklands & Grasslands...

The downside is the very rich of town centre chavs who reside almost, in huge 4 X 4`s riding on chromed 22 inch rims, and tires costing each over £200 if you get a puncture.....(eh Adam...lol..(sorry vicar.)...)...

Would you IF you was chavist enough risk riding over Jaywicks potholed roads with over a £1,000 sitting on the 4 corners of your Ronge Raver even if it was fitted with standard fitted hi or lo air assisted suspension.

Anyhoo, where wer i,
pikeys - transits and vicars..

I will have to recon the areas for myself, and to add to the list, i believe the travellers are taking up opposite the Bishops Park in Jaywick Lane.

If it is indeed true vicar, can you have a discreet word with the Bishop, to have the unlawfull travellers removed before our park and ride (free) for the Jaywick Summer Fayre on August 2nd, at our Martello Tower and its grounds, and the free Hedingham busses (bus) that will operate from 10am untill 5pm, the last one from the closing event being 5-10pm, from the bus stop near to the "new flats" in Midway, Jaywick, going back to your Bishops Park in Jaywick lane....

Post Script,
good news is that old Jaywick is to recieve 40,000 tonnes of rock (not suzy quatro type of thing--(did i ever tell you vicar that she lived near me when i lived in posh Havering - atte - Bower in the 1970`s)..or just a good tribute band we see advertised at outside the refurbished Geisha downstairs bar)

AND,
wait for it Holland on sea,
250,000 cubic metres of new sand...

ummm, how do you measure sand when the waves wash it back out to sea again...ummm..??

If we get the wave action correct, our lost sand could be persueded to migrate up yourway vicar ?..
Ok, switch of voice recorder......
now where is that cold cup of tea i was given....(oops left the mic on again).

amenity2

Ivan said;

"wait for it Holland on sea,
250,000 cubic metres of new sand...

ummm, how do you measure sand when the waves wash it back out to sea again...ummm..??"

More truth in this choice statement than meets the eye Ivan. When Defra checked the depth of the dredged areas instead of 5 meters it had mysteriously deepened itself down to 15 meters, Defra's pronouncement, a natural occurrence.

Now since I was a boy watching the tide fill in those holes on the beach those holes don't get deeper they get filled in level.

So how will you measure 250K square M of sand at Holland and who is going to give a dam?

ivan burit

250K square M of sand

amenity, does your wife ever send you shopping with a list,
and upon that list is what you both think you need,
but when you get home and look in the freezer,
you find that you never really wanted all that was on your list.

problem,
oversubscribed frozen goods.

soloution,
buy bigger freezer,or,
not try to cram too much into existing freezer,
but eat quickly what has oversplilled into fridge.

remedy,
only order / buy what you need, but
if the wife wants the reciept, make sure its all on the bill,
and so eveyones happy, you freezer is full, and so is your fridge,

AND, so is the store that sold it to you,
as it dont give a d*mm once its sold, its sold.
you cant take back frozen foods, they will be no good to man or beast all soggy.

So, like me, only buy what you really need,
if it was lots of sand, too much of it unwanted would be a waste,
or wasted...

amenity2

What I was really trying to say Ivan is when TDC order replenishment of our beaches how do they know for sure they are getting enough sacks of sand.

I remember in the "old" days the coalman was watched like a hawk.

ivan burit

Like i said amenity,
the shopping list say`s 250k worth of sand,

But who will check if "it" (sand) is full (beach) or not when the reciept is given in for reimbursement of funds, or payment for job well done.

amenity2

Quite right mate.

Lin

Righto Ivan ....Are you planning on offering to stand on the seafront at Jolly Holland and count all 150,000 ton bags then ?
Laughing

ivan burit

ivan burit

OK tourists, come on holiday here and you can have all this thrown in for free.

http://www.park-resortstouring.com/park.asp?id=35

amenity2

Ivan, a terrible thought occurred to me while sleeping, 'why' oh 'why are the smiler spendong money on Jaywick?

Somebody somewhere might have plans, I do hope not. Confused

ivan burit

"Somebody somewhere might have plans, I do hope not. "

Ok amenity.
elswhere i reported of the visits by the High Sheriff of Essex,
Lord Hanningfield and his advisors,
all on last wednesday the 23rd.

I also have been advised that our ex Brooklands Social club site owned by EEDA
(who paid 5 times its true value for it)
which sits behind our resource centre, being the most central point in Brooklands, is soon to have placed upon it, some / a few / portacabins, to be used as "visiter information offices"....!.!.!

The only time i have seen these portacabins used for such use is when its "vision" is on the start of a new building site...

Lin

Oh Ivan ,your gypsies are now camped in the coach park near the Coastguard station.We saw them arrive about 7.30pm when we took the dogs for a swim.

Vicar

ivan burit

Oh no its not, its our sand bag counting team offices.

Ok i`ll start it of

1)

Lin

Ha ha WRONG !!!!
We were on your beach last night and must have inadvertently pinched some of your sand.
When I bathed the dogs ,there must have been at least a bucket ful of the stuff in the bottom of the bath.That's not including what was in my shoes .
Do you want it back ivan or can we keep it ?.
So ,you should have said
1) 3/4 bag of sand.......

Vicar

All right I'll come clean as well. The smuggling of sand from Jaywick to deprived areas such as Holland, (and to a lesser extent, Frinton), is a project in which I have been actively engaged for some time.
in the early days we would conceal quantities of the golden grains in the false bottom of a suitcase and thus walk right past the unsuspecting bathers.
After a while this became too risky and a friend of mine, Eddie from Holland On sea, who you may know as "Holland Eddie" came up with the idea of manufacturing models of various local councillors and seling them in the souvenir shops that line the bustling Jaywick seafront. These were then filled with sand and innocent tourists who purchased them were followed until they were safely outside the Jaywick borders where they were forcibly relieved of their trinkets which were then emptied and recycled through the shops again. This system was popular as it meant that all the risks were taken by the tourists, or "mules" as we call them in the trade.
This method of sand relocation was brought to an abrupt halt when one of the larger, rounder statuettes, no names, no pack drill, broke open on the sea front completey burying the new ramp at Martello bay and rendering it unusable for some time.

I suspect Lin's idea of using dogs will be rumbled very quickly. They are employing sniffer dogs and the first thing they do when they see another dog is rush over and check it for contraband. I've seen this happen countless times.

The safest way to escape detection at present, is to fill half a dozen condoms with sand and then swallow them and wait for nature to take its coourse. Unfortunately the weight of the sand is such that the smuggler is unable to move until the reappearance of the football sized containers. This usually occurs on the beach where the sand was gathered in the first place and as you can see there is a major flaw in the plan which needs to be addressed.

There must be a "Plan B".

ivan burit

Lin,
So ,you should have said
1) 3/4 bag of sand.......

you crept up while we (4) were cutting the grass around the Martello Towers grounds so you are cheating.

it was only after my much needed shower that i was looking over the sea wall with my binnoculors in the late afternoon....

ivan burit

Oh and vicar,
i`m thinking of a d*m good reply to your lost past, sorry, last post....

ivan burit

New Delivery Agreement Unveiled

Representatives from the major bodies of Essex joined forces to unveil a new agreement designed to deliver residents the best quality of life in Britain.

http://www.essexcc.gov.uk/vip8/ecc/ECCWebsite/dis/ned.jsp?oid=120528

now as yet i`m not sure what all this is about, do you recon its abart propa torquing..

amenity2

Ivan said,

"I also have been advised that our ex Brooklands Social club site owned by EEDA
(who paid 5 times its true value for it)
which sits behind our resource centre, being the most central point in Brooklands, is soon to have placed upon it, some / a few / portacabins, to be used as "visiter information offices"....!.!.!"

Who sold it Ivan?

ivan burit

amenity,
unless it has been resold reciently, it was purchased from its owners, the now defunct Jaywick Sands Freeholders Association,
which i have been led to believe the same name company is now a "trust" status,
its assetts being held at Ensors of Ipswich, who dealt with the sale.

ivan burit